jacqueline & maixent
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Posted: Sep 1 2015, 02:00 AM
I'm not exactly sure what to say here.
I guess I should start with the sudden affair I've been dragged into. I shouldn't say dragged. I stepped in of my own volition - though I didn't exactly have a way to say no, either. Not to my Queen. Yet here I am, in this fucked up situation and I don't know what to do.
Her Majesty--Jacqueline has never shown the slightest interest in me. To be frank, I don't think that's changed. I don't have some deluded belief she might want me. I don't fantasize her begging me to be king. Shudders. I wouldn't even want it if it were true. I never want to be king, I don't want Jacqueline's heart. That sounds ungrateful, I don't intend it to be. But I'm so confused. Why me? What does she want of me? It's not just about sex, though I don't know what else it might be. Fuck, I hate this. I hate being put into positions I don't understand.
The Mad Queen never put me in this position. She wouldn't consider it. Watching me fuck around didn't amuse her. It didn't further her plans. Who I slept with meant nothing, and admittedly I liked that. She knew she had me however she needed me, and she left it at that. While I might be decent in the sack - not that I would know, I'm pretty biased - that's not how my loyalty was intended to be used. I didn't offer up my life to become the Queen's fuck boy.
It's difficult to complain. Maybe what gets to me most is knowing she's using me. Passion between the sheets or not, I know it isn't me she's thinking of. It's not me she wants. If she did, this whole situation might change completely. I could refuse a pursuit of interest. But a Queen looking for revenge or attention or a big dramatic scene? I don't know what to do. I haven't even told Lance. I don't know why I would, or why I'd even bring him up. It doesn't matter. I haven't told anyone, that's what I meant. But people will find out eventually.
Will they question my loyalty? Will they question my ability to perform as her knight? What will they say about me and the Mad Queen? This is all so fucked up. I don't know if I would have refused, even if I'd thought of the consequences at the time. I don't know if she would have let me. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider her the type to order me to her bed if I said no. I don't think less of her for this. But I think there's something more I should be doing. Something she's trying to tel me with all of this.
But I'm so stupid I can't begin to imagine what. How do I help my Queen if I don't know what she needs? Fucking is only going to get her so far, whatever her end game is. I'm afraid I'm more than useless when she needs me most and there's nothing I can do about it. Will I always be this waste of a person?
Will I ever be worthy of my titles, of her respect and kindness? Her trust?
Will I be worthy of anyone? Right now I don't think I deserve the muck clinging to Branwen's hooves after a hard run, much less her trust or Lance's friendship. And there I go again. There must be something wrong with me. Fuck.
What is common? What is normal? What is wrong with me? In the end, how will I be judged? A skull to hold the worms? A body to cradle dust? If it means becoming like these Wrinkled people with Shriveled lives I'll forfeit this shadow Game of compromise...